Day 7: Fond Memories Of Foods Gone By

Mood:  Feeling Motivated.  We made it a week!!! I wanted to celebrate with a pizza stuffed donut and chocolate stout, but Carlye wouldn’t let me.  Instead, I celebrated with some sugar snap peas, lightly salted with my own tears.

General Thoughts:  It feels like we’ve been on this diet forever.  In conversation with a friend today, I found myself reminiscing about my last normal meal like an elderly person reminisces about their childhood.  It’s a little pathetic.  I mean me.  Not the elderly people.

Day 6: The Unholy30

Mood:  Depends on when you ask me.  We made our annual trip to the MSU campus today with the children.  As we always do, we stopped at the Dairy Store for ice cream.  I almost didn’t recognize the Sugar Dragon in her apron, filling waffle cones behind the counter.  “NOT TODAY, SUGAR DRAGON!!!” I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.  I was then asked to leave…

General Thought:  Carlye and I are developing a diet we call The Unholy30.  It’s basically the inverse of The Whole30.  For thirty days, you are only allowed to consume bread, sugar, cheese, beans, and alcohol.  And bacon.  This will begin in about 24 days…

Day 5: A Carrot By Any Other Name…

Mood:  This diet is stupid.  Sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  Well, maybe a little. The hardest part now is the constant food prep.  It’s a lot of work to prepare food that’s compliant that actually tastes good.  Or at least that’s what Carlye tells me.  But I do get to tackle the mountain of dishes that result.  And don’t get me started on the inability to have a good beer.  That will be especially hard going into the weekend.  

General Thoughts:  The boredom of our current food choices may prove to be the hardest part of all this.  No matter how tightly you close your eyes and how hard you wish, that carrot still tastes like a stink’n carrot.  

Day 4: On The Ropes

Mood:  Better.  Today was a little better.  I found that today my cravings were more subdued and my mind spent less time in Candyland.  I have, however, noticed a strange phenomenon.  This diet seems to have slowed the passing of time.  I feel like I’ve been on this thing for two weeks minimum, not just four days.  I’ve always wished for more hours in the day… but not like this… not like this…

General Thought:  The Sugar Dragon is on the ropes.  The next few days should deliver the knockout blow.  Also, tomorrow I’m making my first attempt at eating in a restaurant on this diet. I’ll probably just end up eating my napkin if that’s all they have that’s compliant.  I hope their napkins aren’t cloth…

Day 3: Unicorns

Mood:  Wasn’t much of a mood today, one way or the other.  I just kind of walked around in a sugarless haze all day.  There were occasional moments of lucidity, usually immediately following one of the 80 cups of coffee I drank.  My body’s hunger for sugar and bread was so extreme earlier today, that the thought of eating the foods I’m actually allowed to have was nauseating.  I fear I’m just moments away from slipping back into the haze.

General Thoughts:  Unicorns would be the perfect animal to use when delivering donuts.  Think about it.

Day 2: Pavlov’s Dog

Mood:  I wouldn’t say I’m in a bad mood, but I wouldn’t say I’m in a good mood either.  It’s become apparent that the Sugar Dragon will not go down without a fight.  I’m confident I can beat it, but my day has been dotted with daydream interruptions starring a variety of deep fried pastries and cheese covered breads.  The mere mention of “pizza” seems to have become the trigger for a Pavlovian response.

General Thoughts:  My body seems to be catching on that this is not just some hilarious practical joke that I’m playing on it.  I’m beginning to feel the tremors of a resistance movement. Despite this, I’ve learned some valuable lessons thus far:

  1. Almond butter is a poor substitute for for peanut butter.  And an even worse substitute for chocolate chip cookie dough.
  2. It is possible to eat an endless stream of fruits and vegetables and never feel satisfied.
  3. Drinking water when you’re hungry to feel full is effective for approximately 3.2 seconds.

Tomorrow begins, what the Whole30 people call, “The Hangover Phase”.  The amount of terrible you feel during these days is supposedly directly proportional to the amount you binged before starting the diet.  This is not good news for me.  Not good at all.  Don’t be surprised if you see my mugshot on the local news tomorrow. “Man Raids Pizza Parlor; Two People Bitten”.  

Day 1 – “Slaying The Sugar Dragon”

Weigh in:  225lbs  – In the spirit of true transparency, I’m telling you my real starting weight.  In the spirit of true decency, I’ll spare you the “before picture”.  Now, I’m not allowed to weigh myself again until the 30 days is complete so this is a huge gamble.  If I complete the 30 days and haven’t lost any weight, I’ll either be extremely upset I went through all this trouble or extremely relieved that it doesn’t seem to matter what I eat and I can go back to putting donuts in my face.  Either way, there’ll be a whole lot of celery and carrots in the garbage.

Mood:  Still feeling good about the whole thing, aside from a slight urge to raid Easton’s candy bowl.  The Whole30 program calls this temptation “The Sugar Dragon” and one purpose of the diet is to “slay the dragon”.  I thought this was a good analogy at first, but then I thought about Puff The Magic Dragon and Pete’s Dragon and the Dragon from Shrek… I guess what I’m saying is, what if it’s a good dragon?  Maybe just misunderstood?  You’re just going to kill it without getting to know it?… Long story short, the people at The Whole30 program have stopped returning my emails.

General Thoughts:  This isn’t going to be that bad.   Especially with the love and support of my family and friends.   Like how my brother texted me pictures of donuts all day today.  It’s nice to have such a good support system in place.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings…

The Hogwash Whole30

I’ve eaten too many donuts in last couple months.  There, I said it.  You’ve all seen the pictures on Facebook and Instagram. It’s out there in the open.  I don’t say this out of regret, though.  I couldn’t.  I made a promise to myself a long time ago never to regret a donut.  Ever.  They’re like tiny life preservers in a sea of stress.  But, like the old mantra goes, “you are what you eat”.  And right now, I’m a mass of fried sugary dough, glazed and sprinkled.  It’s time for a change.  A revitalization if you will.  I keep hearing friends talk about clean eating.  It sounds gross, but the benefits sound tempting.  Weight loss, increased energy, longer life, that ability to look in a mirror without crippling body-image shame, superhuman strength.   All those things.  Starting July 24th, I will be embarking on the latest diet craze, The Whole30, a diet which, from my understanding, allows you to only eat twigs and grass clippings.  I know this seems like an extreme jump, but like the Navy SEALs say, “anything worth doing is worth overdoing.  Moderation is for cowards.” I invite you to follow me on this journey through the innermost circles of gastronomical hell, to what I hope is a positive, less fat, high energy outcome.  I will be posting daily commentary throughout the 30 days for anyone interested in this diet or anyone who takes pleasure in watching me suffer.   See you Monday.