Hello America,

How are you?  Don’t answer that.  I already know.  I overheard you sobbing into your breakfast taco this morning.  It’s understandable; recent polls* have shown that Donald Trump is now a full two points ahead of me in the race for the Presidency.  As you know, I don’t resort to mudslinging and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter because he wears his mud as a badge of honor 99% of the time anyway.  So instead, what I’m going to ask of you, America, is that you just don’t vote for Trump. There are plenty of other options.  I don’t care if you don’t vote for me.  In fact, I would be willing to bet that very few of you plan to (jerks).  Just don’t vote for Trump.  As an alternative, I have put together a list of other famous Donald’s that would make better President’s for your consideration:

Donald Sutherland:

Pros:  Soft spoken and articulate.  Donald Sutherland seems to be an “every-man’s gentlemen”.  He would bring a grandfatherly feel to the Presidency that could bring back America’s trust in politicians.

Cons:  He might slip into his “President Snow” character and go all post-Apocalyptic-Hunger-Games on us all.  I will not be volunteering as tribute.

Donald Rumsfeld:

Pros:  Bahahahahah, just kidding!

Cons:  All of them.  All the cons.

Donald Duck:  

Pros:  Assertive, but well meaning, Donald Duck would bring humility to the office.  He’s not perfect, but what he lacks in competency, he makes up for with tenacity.  (Kinda like Bush?)

Cons:  Quack… Sorry.. Quick tempered and not very articulate.  When met with even the most minor setbacks, this Donald is pretty quick to lose his cool; and if any chipmunks get loose in the White House, forget about it.   Also, he hardly ever wears pants, which might be a problem.  (Kinda like Clinton?)

Ronald McDONALD:

Pros:  Happy meals for everyone…. by law.  Bye-bye ObamaCare, hello McDonaldCare.

Cons: Would likely focus his attentions on legislation dedicated to the reduction of “hamburglaring” instead of more pressing issues… like minimum wage hikes for fast food employees.  Also, his running-mate would probably be Grimace and I don’t trust him.

So there you go!  There are other options out there!  Or you could just pick a legitimate candidate that hasn’t had their own reality show and you won’t end up with Honey Boo Boo as a Vice President.  Strange thought.  Pull your head out of your Donald, America.

*Poll was limited to members of my direct family.  Which is even worse.
**Paid for by The Committee To Elect Brett Allen