How are you? Don’t answer that. I already know. I overheard you sobbing into your breakfast taco this morning. It’s understandable; recent polls* have shown that Donald Trump is now a full two points ahead of me in the race for the Presidency. As you know, I don’t resort to mudslinging and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter because he wears his mud as a badge of honor 99% of the time anyway. So instead, what I’m going to ask of you, America, is that you just don’t vote for Trump. There are plenty of other options. I don’t care if you don’t vote for me. In fact, I would be willing to bet that very few of you plan to (jerks). Just don’t vote for Trump. As an alternative, I have put together a list of other famous Donald’s that would make better President’s for your consideration:
Pros: Soft spoken and articulate. Donald Sutherland seems to be an “every-man’s gentlemen”. He would bring a grandfatherly feel to the Presidency that could bring back America’s trust in politicians.
Cons: He might slip into his “President Snow” character and go all post-Apocalyptic-Hunger-Games on us all. I will not be volunteering as tribute.
Pros: Bahahahahah, just kidding!
Cons: All of them. All the cons.
Pros: Assertive, but well meaning, Donald Duck would bring humility to the office. He’s not perfect, but what he lacks in competency, he makes up for with tenacity. (Kinda like Bush?)
Cons: Quack… Sorry.. Quick tempered and not very articulate. When met with even the most minor setbacks, this Donald is pretty quick to lose his cool; and if any chipmunks get loose in the White House, forget about it. Also, he hardly ever wears pants, which might be a problem. (Kinda like Clinton?)
Pros: Happy meals for everyone…. by law. Bye-bye ObamaCare, hello McDonaldCare.
Cons: Would likely focus his attentions on legislation dedicated to the reduction of “hamburglaring” instead of more pressing issues… like minimum wage hikes for fast food employees. Also, his running-mate would probably be Grimace and I don’t trust him.
So there you go! There are other options out there! Or you could just pick a legitimate candidate that hasn’t had their own reality show and you won’t end up with Honey Boo Boo as a Vice President. Strange thought. Pull your head out of your Donald, America.
*Poll was limited to members of my direct family. Which is even worse.
**Paid for by The Committee To Elect Brett Allen