January 22, 1932 – iFlu: The Robots In Your Brain

On this day in 1932, roughly one year after the creation of the first flu vaccine, a group of shadowy figures held a meeting at the NSA headquarters known as The Black Chamber on East 37th St in Manhattan.  The group, then known as MI-8, had been “officially shut down” by the government over three years prior to remove them from the public eye, but “unofficially” continued to operate stronger than ever.  The meeting being held was for one simple reason; to figure out how to use the mass distribution of a vaccine to control the masses.

Over the decades the NSA has secretly experimented on the American public with varying concoctions of their yearly “flu shot”.  Generally, the chemical experimentation yielded such subtle results that the general public did not notice.  There were exceptions to this however.  In the mid to late 1960’s, a batch of flu shots laced with the experimental drug LSD, led to the birth of the Hippies and the counter-culture revolution.  Perhaps this is why, despite close quarters and poor sanitary conditions, the number of Woodstock patrons falling ill with the virus was remarkably low.

In recent years, the NSA’s techniques have become more sophisticated.  With the unacknowledged invention of nanorobots, the government can now essentially “LoJack” its citizens.  The nanorobots, nicknamed iFlu by the NSA, perform a number of functions within the human body, ranging from standard GPS tracking functions to sophisticated manipulation of neurological signals to render its hosts docile and infatuated with dim witted entertainment.  See, its not your fault you like “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” or “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”… its the robots in your brain that made you do it. (For a better understanding of the nanorobot concept, please watch the documentary “Inner Space” starring Martin Short).

Finally, you may be wondering how an operation this big could be kept secret so long.  The answer takes us back to those shadowy figures in The Black Chamber in 1932, one of which was none other than Charles Walgreen Sr., creator of the Walgreen’s pharmacy.  To this day, every Walgreen’s employee is a trained NSA operative, but don’t ask them about it or they’ll go Jason Borne all over you.

Long story short, this is why your flu shot never works, not because “it was a different strain of virus this year” and this is why I personally don’t get them.  I’m also aware that due to the rigid rule of irony, I’ll likely be retching uncontrollably into the toilet tomorrow, but at least I won’t have robots in my brain.

*Side note:  The “Nasal-Drip Flu Vaccine” was invented as part of a drunken bet between coworkers at the annual NSA Christmas party to see how many ordinary people would actually allow themselves to be subjected to something like that.

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December 31, 1914 – First New Year’s Rock’n Eve

On December 31, 1914, exactly 100 years ago today, 1914 came to an end.  Kind of a weird coincidence, don’t you think?

Sorry this isn’t a longer post, but I need to go back to yelling at Ryan Seacrest from the comfort of my living room about how he’ll never amount to Dick.