Its that time again. Like chinese water torture, the American Presidential campaign system has slowly started drip, drip, dripping on the collective forehead of America’s sanity (what little is left). True to form, the bombardment has started a healthy year and half before the actual elections, ensuring that all of us are too disgusted and annoyed to pay attention to what is really going on when its actually time to vote. And nevermind the fact that on election day we’re, without fail, left to choose between two candidates who make such extreme (and yet somehow incredibly vague) promises, that they can’t help but polarize the two political parties against each other with the end result of four more years of a political paralysis.
Now recently, there have been rumors flying surrounding the infrequency of my blog posts over the past months and I’d like to put those rumors to bed. First, the rumor that my blog had been “bought out” by a national media syndicate is sadly not true because nobody reads this garbage except you. Second, the rumor that the stresses of having a new puppy and a toddler spurred my quick descent into madness, leaving me muttering and rocking nervously in random corners of my house in between games of fetch, is only a half truth. The reality behind my self-inflicted hiatus from Hogwash is that, in the spirit of the season, I have formed an exploratory committee for presidential election and after numerous days of badgering my friends, family, coworkers and neighbors, I am proud to announce my bid for candidacy for President of the United States in 2016.
I know what you’re going to say already, which is that I’m too young to be President and that I must legally be 35 years old to be nominated. I’ve already solved this problem and burned all copies of my birth certificate last night. You’re probably also thinking that I don’t have enough political experience, but I ask you, what is “political experience” if not professional lying? Which is essentially what I’ve been doing on this blog for the last year; and at least I’m honest about my lying. There’s nothing worse than someone who lies about being a liar. Finally, some of you may even be thinking that I’m not smart enough to be President. Well the heck with all you people, I don’t need your vote anyway.
Understanding that to get the nomination for either major political party, I would have to become a slave to lobbyist and special interest groups, I have decided to form my own independent political party called appropriately, The Hogwash Party (also known as The Party Party because we’re a political party that likes to have a good time). The central platform of the Hogwash Party will be to focus internally on making America great again. One of my cornerstone programs will be modeled after Franklin Roosevelt’s Works Program Act (W.P.A.) which helped put Americans back to work during The Great Depression. My program, known as Working Helps Improve Patriotism Program (W.H.I.P.P.), will replace the current entitlement based welfare system and force people that can, to earn their money. Our tagline will be “Sweat For Swag” to appeal to the youngster out there. And lets face it, there’s a lot of folks out there who could use a W.H.I.P.P.ing.
Finally, you may be worried that with another candidate in the mix it will just be one more set of annoying advertisements you have to put up with until November 2016. Don’t worry, there won’t be any TV ads because I don’t have any money. My lack of campaign funds will not hinder my efforts though and I’ll capitalize on the use of social media to spread my message. I figure if I tack an ad onto the end of every YouTube video featuring a cat playing the piano I should be able to reach most Americans. If I can get my hands on a video of Justin Bieber getting hit the crotch with a wiffleball bat, you’d all probably make me Emperor.
Spread the Hogwash word and vote for Brett in 2016!
*I’m Brett Allen and I approve this long rambling message.