Parenting: You’re Doing It Wrong… But So Is Everyone

I think any parent would agree that one of the hardest parts of being a parent (outside of stepping on LEGOs), is the often overwhelming fear that you’re doing everything completely and utterly wrong and, because of this, your children will grow up to be felons, arsonists, real estate moguls, or worse. We’re all terrified. Terrified we’re disciplining wrong, too frequently, or not enough at all.  Terrified we’re not spending enough time with our kids or that we’re not giving them enough freedom. Terrified that our ineptitude will have consequences that echo to the ends of time and result in the collapse of humanity as we know it. Sometimes all of these terrors occur in the span of ten minutes. But I have news for you. You have every right to be scared because you ARE doing it wrong. Not all the time of course, but sometimes. No one is perfect and we all slip up and that’s okay. We are lead to believe that it’s not though. Not okay to be wrong. Social media shows us only the best side of the lives of our friends and family. Pictures of perfect vacations, perfect holidays, perfect perfectness. They are undoubtedly only fragments in time, captured in the lull of their own daily hurricanes, but they are enough to make us feel inadequate. That if anyone knew the chaotic, “Lord Of The Flies” situations that arise in our own homes, we’d be ostracized by our communities, blacklisted from social gatherings, and stripped of all lands and titles. So instead of giving parenting advice or recommendations, I thought I’d give you a dose of “real”. A quick snapshot of “the struggle” to brighten your day or maybe just remind you that you’re not alone in this mess. Please don’t judge me too harshly or call CPS.

The other night, after arriving home from work and school with both kids (ages 5 and 3), I began the nightly routine of making dinner. Work meetings were keeping Carlye late, which meant I was making my specialty, and the house favorite, boxed macaroni and cheese. As I prepared dinner, both children were out playing in the living room (it should be mentioned here that both children had already tried my patience by arguing the whole way home, so tensions were moderate to high). Halfway into the boil, Josie (3) wandered in and asked if she could help make dinner. I agreed, but informed her there was not much left to do. She proceeded to move one of our large stools from the island to the stove area, as is her custom. Once the heavy moving was complete, Easton (5) conveniently appeared, proclaiming he too would be helping to prepare dinner. I again, reminded them there was little left to do. Undeterred, Easton climbed onto the one-person stool with Josie, where they both began fighting immediately for valuable real estate. After minutes of this, I became frustrated and told them that since they couldn’t get along they’d have to leave the kitchen. Easton dug in his heels, as is his custom. I demanded he leave and find something else to do. In his fury, he grabbed a cardboard box off the counter, one that he’d been saving to build his “robot” (this is another story entirely), and whipped it to the floor. I demanded that he pick it up. He declined. I picked up the box and, fully knowing its value to him and his robot endeavor, proceeded to tear it to shreds. Not my finest moment. My act of retribution was met by one of the most hideous banshee shrieks I’ve ever heard my son produce. And then another. And then Josie began to wail. And Easton wailed more. And I spoke at them in ever increasing volumes, sending Easton to his room, which Josie interpreted as her punishment as well.  And, as these two sobbing creatures crawled in anguish up our staircase, they somehow managed to start, between hearty sobs, a chant in perfect unison: MEAN DAD, MEAN DAD, MEAN DAD!!!

And there you have it. The story of the one time I was able to get my children to cooperate and work together. Now don’t forget to click the “follow” button on the side of this site. I’ve got all kinds of personal stories to make you feel better about yourself.

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Scenes I’d Like To See In Avengers: Endgame

With “Avengers: Endgame” coming out next weekend, I thought it appropriate to address some of the scenes I hope to see in the film:

  1. A mid-movie, Westside Story musical number starring Thanos, in which he inadvertently decimates another 90% of the universe’s population.
  2. An opening scene where a depressed Steve Rodgers eats soggy Cheerios from his Captain America shield, which he now uses as a bowl.
  3. Tony Stark survives his stint in space and returns to Earth, but refuses to help the other Avengers defeat Thanos until Hawkeye gets a haircut.
  4. A scene where Hawkeye admits that he only cut his hair into that weird mohawk because “Captain Marvel wears it like that sometimes.”
  5. The Guardian’s Of The Galaxy re-materialize from their “snapped” status, but are now all genetically intermixed. Groot returns with an eloquent and extensive vocabulary, while the rest of the crew can only say “I am (fill in blank)” in different inflections. All members are now voiced by Vin Diesel.
  6. Bruce Banner is finally able to coax out the Hulk, only to find that Hulk has taken a passionate interest in musical theater, which leads into the Westside Story dance number.
  7. It is revealed there is a seventh Infinity Stone known as the Troll Stone. This stone has no real power of its own, but instead saps the power of the other Infinity Stones, and gives it wielder nothing more than an undeserved sense of self satisfaction.
  8. A scene where Jeff Goldblum reprises his role from “Thor: Ragnarok” in any capacity, only to be eaten by Carol Danvers’s cat.
  9. Thor complains about how scratchy his new prosthetic eye is throughout the entire movie, only to have it stolen back by Rocket Raccoon, and re-gifted to a re-materialized Nick Fury at the end.
  10. In the post credits scene, Dr. Strange has a moment of weakness and uses the Time Stone to exact revenge on a grade-school bully who turns out to be Victor Von Doom, setting up the next chapter in the Marvel franchise.

Sorry, I guess I should have said “Spoiler Alert” at the beginning. I apologize if I’ve ruined any surprises for anyone.

Please leave comments on the post of any scenes you hope to see in the new “Avengers: Endgame.” Also, don’t forget to click “Follow” on the right side of the page and subscribe to this blog! Its FREE!!!  Which means its cost is right on par with its value.

The Return Of The Pig

Hello Readers,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I apologize. Hogwash Writing has been quiet for quite some time, but I’m changing that now. As some of you know, I’ve been devoting my limited free writing time to, first, finishing my first novel and, second, try to find agents and publishers who’d like to read said book. Now that the book is finished and I’m well into my search for readership, I’ve realized that the neglect of this site was foolish. More than foolish. An abhorrent sin in the world of writing. A sin which I will now aim to remedy.

Starting next week, I plan to post on a regular basis. I’ll admit the motivations is purely selfish. Buy cultivating a readership here, it will eventually help me to spread the word of my book. Did I mention I wrote a book? I’ve been told its a good book. It’s at least not inherently awful. It won’t make you gouge your eyes out anyway, if that’s what you’re wondering. So that’s a plus.

That being said, the content here might be slightly different then before. I’m hoping it might be more interest/informational than my old posts of twisted history and clearly fabricated quotes of long dead presidents (I’ve been told these weren’t applicable in daily life). What you’ll see going forward will be a mixed bag. One week might be parenting advice, one might be a book review, one might be instructions on how to build a robot from old cardboard boxes for your six year old. You won’t know until it hits your inbox. Whatever it ends up being, I hope it’s fun to read. If its not, tell me. Comment on the blog. Email me. Show up at my house with pitchforks and torches. Mug me as I go into work to get reimbursement for wasting your precious time. If it is entertaining, please share. Like Hogwash disciples, go forth and spread the word, so that the whole world may know ridiculousness. The goal of any blog is readership, but an author cannot survive on his own posts alone.

There. I’ve put this commitment in writing. A verbal contract to anyone who cares to read it. I look forward to entertaining, perplexing, and enraging you.

Thank you,

Brett