As most of you know, I’ve been actively campaigning for a Presidential nomination. You can imagine how busy this has kept me over the recent months and though I’ve seen the crazy headlines about my competition, I can honestly say I know very little about their political platforms. Since most leading candidates are either extremely left or extremely right, their political platforms have been rendered meaningless, as we are doomed to another four years of democratic gridlock. So you may be asking, “if not for their political platforms, how do we decide?” Good question. Let me help. I’ve compiled a list of rumors, hearsay, and assumptions I’ve heard, read, and dreamt about some of the frontrunners for you to base your voting on:
Donald Trump: A relative unknown before the campaign began, this candidate has shot ahead of other GOP nominees with his “Make America Great Again” campaign. I’ve been told he also did a brief stint in reality TV before this and has his name on a few buildings. Trump uses sharp rhetoric, fear mongering and good old fashioned bullying to propel his popularity, not unlike the successful campaign strategies of 1930’s Germany. When you go to vote, remember what Yoda said, “only the the Sith deals in absolutes.”
Hillary Clinton: Claims to be a “woman of the people”, but I am skeptical. Seems to me, she’s just another rich politician to whom people cannot relate. I’ve heard she recently got in trouble for having a private server at her home and she told that server a bunch of secret information. Who has “servants” these days anyway!?! How is a working-class shlub like myself supposed to relate to a candidate that has their own servants!?! Also, the Clinton family already got to live in the White House. Give somebody else a shot.
Jeb Bush: Same deal. Give another family a shot. Jeb just wants to be elected so he can find the old baseball cards he lost in the basement when his dad was President. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON.
Bernie Sanders: If you’re unsure who this is, he’s the candidate who looks like he’s two seconds from an aneurysm at all times. He’s a cross between Lewis Black and Doc Brown from “Back To The Future”. Politically he sounds like a modern day Robin Hood (watch out rich people), but I hear he’s got a tattoo of Mao Zedong on his right butt-cheek. I think he could steal the Presidency if he just started running political ads on Netflix and printing his face on Taco Bell wrappers.
Ted Cruz: I don’t know much about him other than he was really good in all the “Mission Impossible” movies. And who doesn’t like “Top Gun”? I’ve heard he’s gotten pretty weird over the last decade though and that he kind of flipped out on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He’s also really short and might be a Scientologist.
Marco Rubio: I am 100% certain that Marco Rubio sported a “bowl cut” for the majority of his youth. I will probably vote for Rubio, just because I feel like his name’s the easiest to chant. RU-BI-O! RU-BI-O! RU-BI-O! Not unlike Rufio from “Hook”. (Interesting side note, Marco Rubio has an unusual fear of the fictitious character, Captain Hook and refuses to read “Peter Pan” to his children).
Ben Carson: The press has not done a very good job covering up his narcolepsy. I don’t want a President that takes fifty “cat naps” every day. Or drops off with his finger poised over the nuclear “dump-button”.
Carly Fiorina: The only thing I know is that she is the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard. I know this because she tells us EVERY FIVE SECONDS.
Chris Christie: William Taft reincarnated. No thank you.
Rand Paul: You can vote for someone named “Rand” if you want, but not THIS guy! Also, he was the original model for the “Chia Pet” head.
There you go. I hope this information helps in your voting process and doesn’t confuse things too much. Remember, if you don’t think any of them are suitable candidates, you can always write my name in.
I’m Brett Allen and I approve this message.*
*Dictated but not read