“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.  And statistically speaking, YOU miss about 75% of the shots you DO take.  So technically, you’re missing 175% of all your shots… which makes you a real loser.”

-Victor Nadrofsky, Wayne Gretzky’s pee wee league hockey coach, circa 1969; Gretzky famously gave a shortened, more motivational version of this quote later in life.  In his unauthorized biography, The Ugly Puckling, the author alludes to unsubstantiated comments that Mr. Gretzky may or may not have made about this kind of tough love being a key factor in his success.-

On July 7th, 1930, construction began on the current Hoover Dam.  History books tend to leave out that there were numerous other attempts to build this great dam prior to its current design.  Its original idea was conceived in 1902 by engineer Arthur Powell Davis.  Various “Projects” were contracted out by the U.S. Government to construct the dam over the years, before its final version began construction in 1930.  The following are a couple of the Projects over the years:

Project Morningwood (Most unfortunately named of the projects):

On April 6, 1917, America entered World War I.  With the countries young men shipping off to war and its resources being used for the war effort, the U.S. Government looked to environmental interest groups to find a cheap natural way to build the dam.  Winning the bid for the dam contract was, “Earl’s Big Beaver Construction” which claimed its army of “trained” beavers had constructed many other large scale projects in the past.  No one in Congress bothered to check on this before cutting them a check.  Needless to say, the required dam was much larger than Earl had anticipated and after his beavers unionized, it became clear the project would never reach completion.  In August of 1918, Earl disbanded his beaver army for good and was never heard from again.

*Earl doing a progress check in early 1918, shortly after the first beaver strike.

Project Buzzkill:

With the enactment of prohibition in January of 1920, the U.S. Government entrusted the next dam project to a special interest group of social reformers whose plan included the use of old booze barrels and the employment of individuals recruited from substance abuse centers (the employment of those less fortunate for this project later became the basis for many of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s programs in his New Deal during the Great Depression).  Once again, the groups leaders failed to realize the scale of the project and the wood from the booze barrels was not nearly enough.  Before contractors could be found to bring in concrete, a contingent of disgruntled beavers from the previous project chewed through some of the old full booze barrels, became intoxicated, and wreaked havoc on the unsuspecting camp of recovering alcoholics.  By morning the camp was abandoned, except for a select few who had stayed to get drunk with the beavers.  To this day, it is illegal to give booze to beavers in Nevada, except in Las Vegas.

There were many other failed projects before the dam’s final construction started in 1930, but the rest of them were pretty lame, so who cares.

On July 11, 2014, reader “T.R.” asked:

“It is said that “you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose …but you cannot pick your Friend’s nose” …. Does this apply to politicians that also pick your pocket ?   Hmmmmm”

Dear T.R.

First and foremost, I think we need to address the initial portion of this question, which is the notion that you cannot pick your Friend’s nose.  I firmly believe this to be false.  I think it is EXTREMELY possible to pick your Friend’s nose, though more often then not it is against their will and often requires a third friend to restrain them.  Furthermore, there have been numerous studies done by highly respected anthropological organizations that conclusively prove that in many subcultures around the world, picking a friends nose is a sign of mutual respect (see the article ,”Toddler Daycare Subcultures”, Anthropology Gazette, Sept. 2013 Issue).

Finally, concerning pick pocket politicians, I will answer your question with another question.  If politicians pick our pockets and we pick our politicians, are we in fact picking our own pockets?

Since I find it irritating when people answer MY questions with more questions, I will answer my own question.  “Yes.”

Thank you for you inquiry,

Brett

“This thing will never get off the ground.  What a waste of time.”

-Jeremiah “Digby” Wright, Orville and Wilbur’s pessimistic younger brother.  Kitty Hawk, Dec 17, 1903; (A month later, out of jealousy over his brothers’ success, Digby tried to create a plane of his own. The subsequent crash resulted in the phrase “taking a Digger”, which is still used today when someone takes a hard fall.)–

The Battle Of San Juan Hill was a decisive point in The Spanish American War, which was a war fought to assist the Cuban people in gaining their independence from the Spanish Empire, and therefore securing the uninterrupted flow of high quality cigars and cheap labor into the United States.  In order to more quickly end the war, the American’s knew they must take the city of Santiago De Cuba, but to do that, they must first take the fortified hill tops of San Juan Hill and Kettle Hill.  In the bloodiest battle of the war, units of American Cavalry and Infantry charged against the heavily fortified positions, eventually overpowering them.  Rumors abound that the charge may not have been as successful, had the Spanish troops not been so tired from missing their afternoon siestas.  After San Juan Hill was taken, the siege of Santiago De Cuba began, ending the war only a few days later.

Perhaps, the most famous of the stories of the Battle of San Juan Hill are those surrounding Col. Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders, also known as the 1st Volunteer Cavalry.  A rag-tag band of western cowboys, east coast blue-bloods, and professional Yosemite Sam impersonators, Teddy and The Rough Riders were given much of the credit for the victory that day by the news publications of the time, which is the reason it is illegal to this day to own or transport a teddy bear in Spain.  On the flip side, it is traditional in Cuba to leave a teddy bear at the crest of San Juan Hill when visiting the memorial there.  Leaving  a hand drawn likeness of Yosemite Sam is also acceptable.

Few people know that most of the fiercest fighting on San Juan Hill was done by some of the U.S. Army’s African American units or Buffalo Units (most notably the 10th Cavalry).  The Buffalo Soldiers earned their name when U.S. Army budget cuts forced the African-American Cavalry units to give up their horses.  As a substitute, these soldiers began riding buffalo’s into battle.  Yeah, thats right… buffalo!  How hardcore is that!?!  SCOUTS OUT!!!

*For more on Theodore Roosevelt, please see this week’s Fake Quote Of The Week.

“Walk softly and carry a big stick… but don’t chew bubble gum at the same time, because you’ll probably trip… and then poke yourself with the stick.”

-Theodore Roosevelt, circa 1901, (this quote is typically not seen in its entirety)–

“Kick a dog and it will bite you.  Kick a cat and it will scratch you.  Kick a platypus and it won’t do jack, cause platypuses are pansies.”

-An excerpt from Charles Darwin’s drunken unpublished “research” paper, “Animals I Secretly Loathe”  circa 1879–