On the morning of June 18, 1831, the world was introduced inadvertently to the first rudimentary form of “texting” through an event that would ignite communications technology development spanning almost two centuries. I’m speaking of course about the creation of the Morris Code, which, though similar, should not be confused with the more commonly known Morse Code, which was created a full five years later.

That fateful morning in 1831, Dwayne Morris, a  well respected New York City prosecutor, suffered a series of minor ordinary inconveniences (i.e. spilled his coffee, stubbed his toe, ran out of toilet paper, etc).  On any other morning, these events would have only soured the lawyer’s mood, but due to mounting pressure from a high profile case he was working, these became the catalyst for a debilitating mental breakdown.   Seconds before he was to give his closing arguments, somewhere in the area of his brain that controlled  speech, a wire became crossed as a fuse burned out and Morris’ speech was reduced to a series of high pitched beeps and erratic screeches.  As you can imagine, those who witnessed this event immediately labeled Morris insane, costing him the case.

The laughing stock of the law world, Morris descended into a deep depression and refused to see anyone.  It wasn’t until a year later that Morris’ wife, in an effort to lift his spirits, hired a young painter/inventor named Samuel Morse to come to the house to paint a portrait of her husband.  After much beeping and screeching, Morris finally conveyed through exasperated arms that he would concede to having his portrait painted.  Now if you’ve ever had your portrait painted (which I’m assuming most of you have), it’s a long and grueling process to hold a continuous pose.  In an effort to make the time go faster, Morse, unaware of Morris’ condition struck up a conversation, only to be met with a frustrated tirade of beeps and screeches from behind his easel.  For the genius mind of Morse, it didn’t take long to recognize a pattern developing in the beeps and screeches and soon the two men were hard at work deciphering the meanings behind each sequence of sounds.  As the two men mastered the new language, a friendship blossomed and they even developed a shorthand of saying things which was remarkably similar to the acronyms used in modern day “texting”.

In the summer of 1935, Morse began telling Morris of his idea to convert his “beep/screech language”, which they had dubbed “Morris Code”, into a series of electric pulses that could be carried over wire for long distance.  He was certain it would be a communications breakthrough and make both men very rich.  Unfortunately, Morris had never been a fan of witchcraft, which he assumed this to be and he asked Morse to never speak of it again.  Only two weeks later, Morris arrived home to find his study in disarray and the notes and research that he and Morse had compiled to be missing.  Scrawled in large dots and dashes across his desk were four simple letters in Morris Code:  YOLO.   He never heard from Samuel Morse again.
Though it seems like a tragic end to the story of Dwayne Morris, he was not entirely forgotten by history.  A small group of Morris supporters still exist today and are unusually vocal about their disdain for the Morse Code (many still believe it to be witchcraft and Tweet about it constantly).  Most people don’t know, but the famous puppeteer Jim Henson was a “Morris man” and created his lovable Muppet character Beaker as a tribute to his hero.

On April 1, 1536, the first official “April Fools’ Day” was celebrated in London, England under the rule of King Henry VIII.  Though relatively harmless fun in modern times, the pranks and hoaxes the holiday is known for have a rather grim origin.  The first April Fools’ Day began when the King’s court jester or “fool”, was brainless enough to joke about the King’s notorious six failed marriages. King Henry’s reaction to this lighthearted ribbing, was somewhat disproportionate to the offense and the fool was promptly beheaded, as was the custom of the time.  Very, very gradually over the years, April Fools’ Day pranks transitioned from public beheadings to the more psychologically and emotionally scarring pranks we endure today.

The “unofficial” origins of the holiday extend back centuries further to the ancient Druids, who would mark the day by celebrating the spring births of their horses (April Foals’ Day).  The intent of the holiday was  a serious celebration of new beginnings, the departure of the cold, cruel winter, and the arrival of Spring, but usually ended up being a bunch of drunk assholes throwing horse placentas at each other.

Over the years different countries have developed their own traditions for April Fools’ Day.  For instance, in Scotland, April Fools’ Day is traditionally called Huntigowk Day, which translates to “Hunt the Gowk” Day (a “gowk” being Scotish for “foolish”).  As part of the holiday tradition, villagers would cast votes for the most foolish person in town. The winning fool was dubbed “the gowk”.  The entire village was then invited to hunt the unlucky bastard, who was sent out into the Scottish moors with nothing but a pat on the kilt and a three hour head start.  It would be years later that American author (of Scottish descent) Richard Connell would capture an adaptation of this grisly tradition in his classic short story, “The Most Dangerous Game” (originally titled “The Gowk That Got Away”).

I hope you have found this enlightening and if someone tries to April Fool you today, you can explain to them that no matter what they do to you, it beats being beheaded or hunted like wild game.  While these uneducated individuals are trying to figure out what in the hell you’re talking about, you can take that opportunity to throw a horse placenta at them and make your exit (horse placentas can be found wherever hipsters shop).

Happy Fools Day from Hogwash!!!

March 14, 1749, Benjamin Franklin, hungover from an early St. Patrick’s Day celebration, invented the first working lightning rod under the false pretense that he meant to make people’s homes and buildings safer from lightning.  Franklin had long been known as an inventor, having been the brains behind such inventions as bifocals, the odometer, and the flexible urinary catheter.  In actuality Franklin’s lightning rod was created for something much different.  He was secretly looking to harness electricity to power his recently assembled droid army.  Having long anticipated a split from the British throne, Franklin wanted to ensure that America’s future would be secure with his so called “Benny Bots”.

Understanding the paranoia of the time and not wanting to be accused of witchcraft (or warlock-craft in his case) Franklin kept his Benny Bots pretty close to the vest for many years.  When it became obvious that separation from the British Empire was close and a war was inevitable, Franklin presented his creation to his fellow Founding Fathers.  In what has often been considered the first official democratic vote in America, a landslide decision was reached to burn Franklin at the stake for “flagrant warlockness”.  It was only at the last minute that General George Washington and his giant pet eagle (see July 4, 1776 – ‘Murica Day for more detail) stepped in to save Mr. Franklin.  Franklin was given the opportunity to explain the science behind his invention in order to salvage his reputation, but few of the Founding Fathers actually listened as they were too busy giggling and daring each other to test out the flexible urinary catheter.  After a failed test battle at Thomas Jefferson’s house left half of Monticello in ruins, the droids were sidelined for good.  The Benny Bots sat in storage for over a century until they were finally purchased at auction in 1928 from the government by a fledgling Motorola company, eventually leading to the droid cell phones we see today.

Note: It is said that on his death bed, Benjamin Franklin, in a moment of prophetic clarity quietly whispered “hello moto” before passing away.

Here’s a fun, little known, fact for you Star Wars fans out there.  In Star Wars: Episode 1, George Lucas actually used the original Franklin Benny Bot blueprints to design the look of his Trade Federation droids who battled the Gungans in the second half of the movie.  Another piece Lucas tied in was the knowledge that Franklin also had an assistant by the name of Dr. Jarvis Binks, whom was often called “Jar Jar” as a nickname.  Everyone hated him too.

On this day in 1887, the first Groundhog Day (as we know it today) was celebrated at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.  A newspaper editor belonging to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (a group of groundhog hunters) declared Phil, Punxsutawney’s groundhog, to be the only true weather predicting rodent in America.  Tradition states that if Phil sees his shadow he will retreat back into his hole and there will be six more weeks of winter.  He will then be the most loathed creature in America.  The year prior, in 1886, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, which was then known as the Punxsutawney Black Bear Club (guess what they hunted) tried to hold a celebration on the same principles.  Unfortunately, instead of seeing his shadow after emerging from hibernation, the bear known as Punxsutawney Carl saw the seven sportsman gathered outside his den and gave them all good mauling.  The group changed its name the following day and decided to hunt a slightly easier prey.  *Note: Gobbler’s Knob is named after Thomas Myron Gobbler, who lost his arm to Carl, leaving only a knob in its place.

America is not the only country to celebrate this holiday.  For instance, Russia used to hold a similar Groundhog Day celebration, but that all changed when Vladimir Putin became acting President on December 31, 1999.  Putin, using intelligence he had gathered during his time in the KGB, formed a case against the Moscow Marmot, resulting in his banishment to a Siberian labor camp.  It is said that the Moscow Marmot befriended an aging COL Bananapants (for more information read here) who helped him finally get over his fear of shadows.  As for Groundhog Day in Russia currently, it is celebrated by Putin riding a pure white horse while shirtless through the streets of Moscow.  Citizens of Moscow are expected to emerge from their homes to witness the “parade”, but may not look directly at their President.  Instead they must only gaze at his shadow because if they were to inadvertently make eye contact with him, he would “make sure that winter never ended for them.”

On a final note, there have been 54 Punxsutawney Phil’s since the first Groundhog Day in 1887.  The tradition of the U.S. President pardoning the Thanksgiving Turkey actually started with the pardoning of the Punxsutawney Phil, as he was typically killed and eaten if his weather prediction were incorrect.  This tradition was stopped when local meteorologist began getting similar threats.

On this day in 1932, roughly one year after the creation of the first flu vaccine, a group of shadowy figures held a meeting at the NSA headquarters known as The Black Chamber on East 37th St in Manhattan.  The group, then known as MI-8, had been “officially shut down” by the government over three years prior to remove them from the public eye, but “unofficially” continued to operate stronger than ever.  The meeting being held was for one simple reason; to figure out how to use the mass distribution of a vaccine to control the masses.

Over the decades the NSA has secretly experimented on the American public with varying concoctions of their yearly “flu shot”.  Generally, the chemical experimentation yielded such subtle results that the general public did not notice.  There were exceptions to this however.  In the mid to late 1960’s, a batch of flu shots laced with the experimental drug LSD, led to the birth of the Hippies and the counter-culture revolution.  Perhaps this is why, despite close quarters and poor sanitary conditions, the number of Woodstock patrons falling ill with the virus was remarkably low.

In recent years, the NSA’s techniques have become more sophisticated.  With the unacknowledged invention of nanorobots, the government can now essentially “LoJack” its citizens.  The nanorobots, nicknamed iFlu by the NSA, perform a number of functions within the human body, ranging from standard GPS tracking functions to sophisticated manipulation of neurological signals to render its hosts docile and infatuated with dim witted entertainment.  See, its not your fault you like “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” or “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”… its the robots in your brain that made you do it. (For a better understanding of the nanorobot concept, please watch the documentary “Inner Space” starring Martin Short).

Finally, you may be wondering how an operation this big could be kept secret so long.  The answer takes us back to those shadowy figures in The Black Chamber in 1932, one of which was none other than Charles Walgreen Sr., creator of the Walgreen’s pharmacy.  To this day, every Walgreen’s employee is a trained NSA operative, but don’t ask them about it or they’ll go Jason Borne all over you.

Long story short, this is why your flu shot never works, not because “it was a different strain of virus this year” and this is why I personally don’t get them.  I’m also aware that due to the rigid rule of irony, I’ll likely be retching uncontrollably into the toilet tomorrow, but at least I won’t have robots in my brain.

*Side note:  The “Nasal-Drip Flu Vaccine” was invented as part of a drunken bet between coworkers at the annual NSA Christmas party to see how many ordinary people would actually allow themselves to be subjected to something like that.

On December 31, 1914, exactly 100 years ago today, 1914 came to an end.  Kind of a weird coincidence, don’t you think?

Sorry this isn’t a longer post, but I need to go back to yelling at Ryan Seacrest from the comfort of my living room about how he’ll never amount to Dick.