My fellow Americans, a little over a month ago I announced my bid for President of the United States of America.  When I initially made my decision, I assumed that seizing the role of Leader of the Free World would be a slam-dunk-cake-walk, which is why I’ve done absolutely no campaigning since.  As it turns out, this blog does not have the extensive reach that I initially thought, a fault I blame entirely on the lethargic nature of my readership who can’t seem to find the energy to click the “share” button on their Facebook feed, but somehow has time to take online quizzes to find out what Disney princess they’re most in tune with (I got Ariel because of my affinity for wearing undergarments made of sea shells).  Anyway, since my announcement, a number of other affable clowns have joined the Presidential race, not the least of which being Donald Trump who announced his bid this week, and it occurred to me that I may need to set myself apart from the Clinton’s and Bush’s of the world.  To do this I will begin to outline some of my key objectives to accomplish during my time in office.  I will not apologize to anyone whom the following may offend, but here are two planks of my Presidential platform which I believe to be hot topics of the day:

1.  The “Ten Second Rule” to become the “Ten Second Law” – Some of you germaphobes are cringing right now as most of you are probably aware of the scientific theory that if you drop a piece of food on the floor, you actually have ten seconds to retrieve it before it becomes too contaminated to consume (the “ten second rule” becomes the “five second rule” when eating in public restrooms; for sanitation reasons, obviously).  By making this “rule” a law, people will be required to pick up any dropped food and consume it.  This will cut down on food waste and littering all in one.  And no, the rich will not be allow to hire others to eat their rogue food droppings for them.  It may sound socialist, but everyone is on the same level here.

2.  Men’s Facial Hair Handbook – Under my regime… er.. I mean, administration, certain criteria will need to be met before men (or women, if they so choose) are allowed to grow large amounts of facial hair.  I remember the good old days when large beards were reserved for Special Forces soldiers, lumberjacks and desert island castaways, but today any idiot with the patience to do so is able to sport a beard.  My regulations and criteria will mainly be an attempt on my part to diminish the livelihood of “hipsters” who are currently overrunning our cities and towns with their ironic t-shirts and nifty hats.  The average person will not have any difficulty meeting the criteria set forth.   If you’re a male and you’re reading this, take a look at your legs.  If you’re not currently wearing skinny jeans, you’re probably fine.

Finally, before I leave you for today, I’d like to warn you about the dangers of voting for Rick Perry.  I’m pretty sure he’s the guy who made all those “Madea” movies and that this is just an elaborate plan to gain access to the White House to film “Rick Perry’s: Madea Goes To Washington” which is not surprisingly the prequel to “Madea Goes To Jail”.

I’m Brett Allen and I approve this message.