Day 11: Spite Dieting 

Mood: Victorious-ish.  Today was the day The Whole30 said we were most likely to quit.  But we didn’t. We thought about it.  A lot.  But we didn’t.  Mostly out of spite.  Whatever keeps ya going, I guess…

General Thoughts:  I did cheat a little bit by weighing myself before the 30 days are up.  The fact that I’m down 7 pounds was enough to get me through another day.  I should celebrate with a donut.

Day 10: Cathartic Burning

Mood:  I heard Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” on the radio this morning and wept the rest of the way to work.

General Thoughts:  The Whole30 book says that around Day 15 or 16 the dieter should experience a phase called “The Tiger Blood Phase”.  This is where you really start to drop weight and have boundless energy*.  If this doesn’t happen to me, I’m going to burn The Whole30 book in my backyard and toast marshmallows over its smoldering ashes.

*The dieter may also experience hallucinations featuring Charle Sheen during this phase.

Day 9: Dangerously Low Blood/Donut Levels

Mood:  I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about the withdrawal symptoms I’m having from my blood/donut level being so low, so I’m going to change this category by one letter…

Food:  Tonight we had burgers on the grill, sans buns.  I had mine with the homemade ketchup I made the other day, which oddly enough doesn’t taste anything like regular ketchup.  Today at lunch, I had to tuna salad on romaine leaves with sugar snap peas.  I know, I know, I’ll stop bragging.

General Thoughts:  Some of the stuff we’ve read says that day 10 and 11 are the days most people quit on this diet.  I guess we’ll see if there is a post tomorrow night.

Day 8: Fritters In The Sky

Mood:  I saw a cloud today that looked exactly like an apple fritter.  That should tell you about all you need to know…

General Thoughts:  Not going to be a long post today.  I’m trying to increase my daily workouts while also trying not to sabotage this diet.  I think I’ll go to bed before I make any chocolate related bad decisions.

Day 7: Fond Memories Of Foods Gone By

Mood:  Feeling Motivated.  We made it a week!!! I wanted to celebrate with a pizza stuffed donut and chocolate stout, but Carlye wouldn’t let me.  Instead, I celebrated with some sugar snap peas, lightly salted with my own tears.

General Thoughts:  It feels like we’ve been on this diet forever.  In conversation with a friend today, I found myself reminiscing about my last normal meal like an elderly person reminisces about their childhood.  It’s a little pathetic.  I mean me.  Not the elderly people.

Day 6: The Unholy30

Mood:  Depends on when you ask me.  We made our annual trip to the MSU campus today with the children.  As we always do, we stopped at the Dairy Store for ice cream.  I almost didn’t recognize the Sugar Dragon in her apron, filling waffle cones behind the counter.  “NOT TODAY, SUGAR DRAGON!!!” I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.  I was then asked to leave…

General Thought:  Carlye and I are developing a diet we call The Unholy30.  It’s basically the inverse of The Whole30.  For thirty days, you are only allowed to consume bread, sugar, cheese, beans, and alcohol.  And bacon.  This will begin in about 24 days…

Day 5: A Carrot By Any Other Name…

Mood:  This diet is stupid.  Sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  Well, maybe a little. The hardest part now is the constant food prep.  It’s a lot of work to prepare food that’s compliant that actually tastes good.  Or at least that’s what Carlye tells me.  But I do get to tackle the mountain of dishes that result.  And don’t get me started on the inability to have a good beer.  That will be especially hard going into the weekend.  

General Thoughts:  The boredom of our current food choices may prove to be the hardest part of all this.  No matter how tightly you close your eyes and how hard you wish, that carrot still tastes like a stink’n carrot.  

Day 4: On The Ropes

Mood:  Better.  Today was a little better.  I found that today my cravings were more subdued and my mind spent less time in Candyland.  I have, however, noticed a strange phenomenon.  This diet seems to have slowed the passing of time.  I feel like I’ve been on this thing for two weeks minimum, not just four days.  I’ve always wished for more hours in the day… but not like this… not like this…

General Thought:  The Sugar Dragon is on the ropes.  The next few days should deliver the knockout blow.  Also, tomorrow I’m making my first attempt at eating in a restaurant on this diet. I’ll probably just end up eating my napkin if that’s all they have that’s compliant.  I hope their napkins aren’t cloth…

Day 3: Unicorns

Mood:  Wasn’t much of a mood today, one way or the other.  I just kind of walked around in a sugarless haze all day.  There were occasional moments of lucidity, usually immediately following one of the 80 cups of coffee I drank.  My body’s hunger for sugar and bread was so extreme earlier today, that the thought of eating the foods I’m actually allowed to have was nauseating.  I fear I’m just moments away from slipping back into the haze.

General Thoughts:  Unicorns would be the perfect animal to use when delivering donuts.  Think about it.

Day 2: Pavlov’s Dog

Mood:  I wouldn’t say I’m in a bad mood, but I wouldn’t say I’m in a good mood either.  It’s become apparent that the Sugar Dragon will not go down without a fight.  I’m confident I can beat it, but my day has been dotted with daydream interruptions starring a variety of deep fried pastries and cheese covered breads.  The mere mention of “pizza” seems to have become the trigger for a Pavlovian response.

General Thoughts:  My body seems to be catching on that this is not just some hilarious practical joke that I’m playing on it.  I’m beginning to feel the tremors of a resistance movement. Despite this, I’ve learned some valuable lessons thus far:

  1. Almond butter is a poor substitute for for peanut butter.  And an even worse substitute for chocolate chip cookie dough.
  2. It is possible to eat an endless stream of fruits and vegetables and never feel satisfied.
  3. Drinking water when you’re hungry to feel full is effective for approximately 3.2 seconds.

Tomorrow begins, what the Whole30 people call, “The Hangover Phase”.  The amount of terrible you feel during these days is supposedly directly proportional to the amount you binged before starting the diet.  This is not good news for me.  Not good at all.  Don’t be surprised if you see my mugshot on the local news tomorrow. “Man Raids Pizza Parlor; Two People Bitten”.